(1)義無反顧 夫：若是我父親沒留下一大筆財產給我,你會嫁給我嗎?
妻：不管是誰留給你一大筆財產,我都會嫁給你的。
(2)訓狗 有位雍容華貴的太太正在挑選水果, 她的小狗趁她不注意,用舌頭逐個舔著貨架上的蘋果。 店主很不高興,但還是禮貌地請這位太太注意她的狗。
她立即嚴厲地對小狗喊道: 不準再舔! 這些蘋果還未洗過,髒髒!
(3)左右為難 我該怎麼辦?一位想結婚的年青人對他的朋友說,每個我帶回家的女友,我母親都不喜歡。 這個我有好辦法,他的朋友建議,你祇要找一個各方面像你母親的就可以了。
我試過了,這可憐人說道,但是我父親又不喜歡。
(4)一眼看中 女子對媒人說：你騙人!他有隻眼睛是盲的,你以前為甚麼不告訴我?
怎麼沒告訴你?媒人道,你們第一次見面後,我便說：他一眼就看中你了。
(5)世界通則 子：我聽說非洲有些國家的男人,如今還要到結婚以後才真正認識他太太,是真的嗎?
父：不單是非洲,是全世界。
(6)站哪邊 朋友向我訴說她丈夫的錯處,越說越氣忿,突然轉頭問她的小兒子：如果爸爸媽媽吵架,你要站在哪一邊? 孩子想了一下,堅定地說：站旁邊!
(7)安眠藥 顏容憔悴的病人對醫生說：我家窗外的野狗整夜吠個不休,我簡直要瘋了 ! 醫生給他開了安眠藥。一星期後,病人又來了,看上去樣子比上次更疲憊。
醫生問：安眠藥無效嗎 病人無精打采道：我每晚去追那些狗,可是即使好不容易捉到一隻,牠也不肯吃安眠藥。
(8)最賺錢的寫作 A：哪一種寫作最賺錢? B：勒索信。
(9)遲到 喬治有遲到的習慣,老闆甚為不悅。於是他去醫生處取回一些藥片吃了,爬上床便睡, 沒到鬧鐘響就醒了,他高高興興地起床,洗過臉,吃過早餐,從從容容去上班,
見了老闆就說：早上好!今天我沒有遲到! 很好,
老闆說,但是你昨天為甚麼沒來?
(10)十全八美 甲：這世上沒有人是十全十美的,你在我眼中已是十全八美。
乙：嗯,不錯。但我到底少了哪兩種美
甲：內在美和外在美。
(11)打架原因 有個女孩從學校舞會回家,她母親問她玩得如何。
還好,女孩說,祇是兩個男孩子為我打了一架。
其母正暗喜女兒受人歡迎,
又聽女孩說：他們都不願意跟我跳舞,互相推對方過來。
※不准通婚: 妻子和丈夫吵了架以後，氣憤地說：『我就是找了一個魔鬼也比嫁給你強！』 丈夫立即回答：『你嫁不了魔鬼！法律規定，近親不准結婚.... ..』
※姻親家 一對新婚夫婦鬥嘴，當他們駕車經過一家養豬場時，丈夫就調侃這位妻子說：『 是不是妳親戚家快到了？』這位太太點頭完全同意，並回答說：『是的，這裡就 是我姻親家。』
※不甜的 客人：『老板，這橘子甜不甜啊？』 老板：『不甜不用錢啦！』 客人：『那不甜的秤兩斤給我』 老板：『@#XYZ@$...xx』
※人生好苦 禮拜六帶十歲兒子去喝喜酒，回家途中，
兒子問：「媽咪，人生為什麼會苦呢？」
我心想最近兒子作業常常沒寫被我處罰，所有娛樂都被禁止，才會覺得人生毫無樂 趣。
所以我說：「兒子，你還小，你現在的工作就是把書讀好，回家作業做完，那你就可 以高高興興去打球、看電視、玩電腦，人生怎麼會苦呢？」
兒子說：「媽咪，妳說什麼？我是說酒席上那道人參雞的人參。」
※易燃物 老師問: "什麼是易燃物?" 學生說: "我爸爸" 老師問："為什麼?"
學生說:" 每一次我拿成積單回去,他馬上就發火"
7 則留言:
Hey Dr. Ho,
How about this one from Wen himself:
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
Wen: 'Hello'
WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'
Wen: 'Yes'
WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'
Wen: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'
WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2010 Models. I saw one I really liked.'
Wen: 'How much?'
WOMAN: '$90,000'
Wen: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'
WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000.'
Wen: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's
really a pretty good price.'
WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'
Wen: 'Bye! I love you, too.'
Then Wen hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape. He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'
兩個人的笑話,都很精采!
我覺得第九則的最棒:
(9)遲到 喬治有遲到的習慣,老闆甚為不悅。於是他去醫生處取回一些藥片吃了,爬上床便睡, 沒到鬧鐘響就醒了,他高高興興地起床,洗過臉,吃過早餐,從從容容去上班.
見了老闆就說：早上好!今天我沒有遲到!
很好, 老闆說,但是你昨天為甚麼沒來?
我這裡也有笑話一則：
夫妻倆恩愛的同看世界盃足賽，妻開心不已，抱著老公撒嬌：
「老公~~今晚你也射門吧~~」
老公一把推開妻子生氣的說：
「妳不懂啦！ 射自己家的門算輸，射別人家的門才算贏！」
A little boy goes to his father and asks:
"Daddy, how was I born ?"
The father answers:
"Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.
There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button , nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
You got Male "
A little boy went up to his father and asked:
'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?' The father replied.
'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
*************************
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said,
'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' 'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
***************************
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse which he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
****************************
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus..
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . .
Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . .
Having friends.
At age 17 success is . .
Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . . ..
Having money.
At age 50 success is . . .
Having money..
At age 70 success is . .. .
Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . ... . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . ..
Not piddling in your pants.
As I grow in age, I value women over 50 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 50 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 50 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.
Women over 50 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it..
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 50.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 50 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest.. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 50 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 50, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.
For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
張貼留言